A very dubious guide to musical instruments, according to archive photos

0

August 13, 2019, 4:35 p.m. | Updated: August 13, 2019, 4:39 PM

Classical music photo bank.

Image: Getty


A thorough and in-depth exploration and dissection of classical music imagery in archival photography.

We really love it when someone picks up a musical instrument to play, but if you fall asleep on your violin bridge, you’re probably wrong…

Somewhere in a parallel universe is a world where classical music and stock photography exist in sweet harmony. Not this universe, though.

Here’s a comprehensive guide to how do not play musical instruments. Please proceed with caution.

  1. Stance 10/10

    Violin Stock Image

    Violin stock image.

    Image: Getty


    We’re not sure that’s *quite* what Beethoven meant when he wrote “relaxed” in the interpretative directions…

  2. #art

    Violin Stock Image

    Violin stock image.

    Image: Getty


    Who signed this? We just want to talk.

  3. side eye

    Clarinet stock photo

    Stock photo of clarinet.

    Image: Getty


    An expression that comes in handy when you play the wrong note. Useful for blaming the person next to you.

  4. bass face

    Double bass stock photo

    Double bass stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    The face you make when Pachelbel drops a nasty bass line.

  5. “Yeah, I definitely practiced what you told me last week!”

    Violin stock photo

    Violin stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    This is your teacher’s exact expression whenever you show up without practicing. Believe us, they can tell.

  6. Trumpet…

    Trumpet stock photo

    Trumpet stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    … but ~*JaZz*~

  7. The Fate of the Bumblebee

    Flute Stock Photos and Images

    Flute stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    This posture cannot be good for his breath control.

  8. “Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom…”

    Violin stock photo

    Violin stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    Pride Rock parallels aside, can anyone contact the stylist for this shoot? We have a lot of questions…

  9. “Sooooo…do you know how to play that Gershwin gliss? *pops gum*”

    Clarinet stock photo

    Stock photo of clarinet.

    Image: Getty


    He looks as uncomfortable as we do.

  10. “Tell me this is a really big ONE violin. CONTINUED. TIME.”

    Cello stock photo

    Cello stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    *No cellos were harmed in the creation of this photo (we hope).

  11. Weird place for a nap

    Violin stock photo

    Violin stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    Apparently, chin rests also make very comfortable pillows. Who knew?

  12. Music for pit orchestra and wind instrument

    Wind instrument stock photo

    Stock photo of wind instruments.

    Image: Getty


    A visual representation of how music directors see wind players.

  13. The face of total defeat

    Paper Clip Stock Photo

    Paper clip stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    When you’ve done nothing but train for weeks and still look like you’re blowing raspberries.

  14. “Thanks very much”

    Violin stock photo

    Violin stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    Useful when tuning. If you’re terribly out of tune, frown at your instrument, then try again.

  15. Don’t try this at home

    Clarinet stock photo

    Stock photo of clarinet.

    Image: Getty


    Sure, finding time to work out can be tough, but it’s a multitasking combination that should never happen.

  16. The most innovative performance space of 2019.

    Man playing bass clarinet in a server room

    Man playing bass clarinet in a server room.

    Image: Getty


    *beep**bloop**horn**whiz*.

  17. EADG… what now?

    Violin stock photo

    Violin stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    Open strings are fine, but we’re pretty sure your hands should be somewhere near the handle … right?

  18. Have you ever been so hungry that you bit your violin? No? Just this guy then.

    Violin stock photo

    Violin stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    Strong flavors of maple wood and varnish, with subtle hints of tart rosin and a hint of dust.

  19. *hears noise downstairs*

    Violin stock photo

    Violin stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    Disclaimer: We strongly discourage the use of musical instruments for self-defense. Violins, not violence.

  20. David Atten-Bruch – duet for cello and birdsong.

    Cello stock photo

    Cello stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    Here we see the cello not at all in its natural habitat…

  21. What, you mean you don’t wear sunglasses while you work out?

    Violin stock photo

    Violin stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    Because no rehearsal is complete without a pair of oversized sunglasses. Sure.

  22. I wish I could undo that bowing technique (sorry).

    Violin stock photo

    Violin stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    Really though, if your teacher lets you get away with it, you need a new one ASAP.

  23. “So…you just blew it up, right?”

    Clarinet stock photo

    Stock photo of clarinet.

    Image: Getty


    Technology is advancing rapidly, but automatic clarinets aren’t here yet.

  24. A true romantic tragedy of the 21st century

    Double bass stock photo

    Double bass stock photo.

    Image: Getty


    This double bass looks absolutely fine to us, but he looks rather upset. Either way, we’re here for you buddy.

Share.

Comments are closed.